Post by x A m r i t a . . . on Aug 14, 2007 21:19:08 GMT 7
WARNING: If you don't want to find out about my stresses and read about my rants in this thread, don't even bother reading it now. Quickly press either, that arrow pointing to the left, or that red cross over at the top right hand corner. If you want to, then go ahead and read it.
In truth, I could have rant about this ages ago, because it started a year ago, when I was still twelve, nearly thirteen. But the problem is that it doesn't bother me as much as it did before. I don't know why I'm so upset about it now when it's already such a long time ago. I'm sure most people have heard about it, and they are probably sick and tired of hearing it over and over and over again. Seriously, you DON'T KNOW what it feels like because you haven't experienced it. People, they go off saying: "yes, I know how you feel", WHEN THEY ACTUALLY DON'T KNOW! The truth is, I've been ranting about this ever since it started. Yeah, most of you have heard it before, a best friend-- No, more than that. A member of what you call a FAMILY, betrays you, ditches you, just to date someone.
I was too soft back then. Yeah, believe it or not. I know I know, I kick and challenge boys to a fight, seriously, when I had to and stuff, but you know, the one thing that isn't strong about me is my heart. So that time I got betrayed, I couldn't do anything but sit down at the school's dirty benches and cry. I just couldn't stand it, you know... A best friend-- no someone you consider a part of your family, the closest one in your family, betraying you just like that. The only question was 'why?' Luckily enough, I'm anti-socialized, so I figured that one easy. But you see, the problem is that the person who betrayes me is one who runs away from her problems. So she didn't even say sorry to me until she saw me crying in front of thousands of people in the school. I didn't do anything, more like I couldn't do anything. I just sat there and cried my eyes out. What could I do? I'm hopeless, I can't do anything at that time. Moreover, I can't do anything now that all those have happened and I couldn't stop it. It was partly my fault, so I didn't really rant about it much, all I did was cry.
Early this year, I talked about it to my all time best friend. I knew she wasn't going to betray me. Actually, I don't. Ever since the time I got betrayed, I've always been so doubtful of people. I couldn't trust them. I didn't want to hurt myself over and over again, even if I have already did. If I think back now, there's countless of times where she had done that to me. But I'm naive and simple, you see. I thought everyone was so nice and all, I've never thought of being betrayed by my own best friend. Even now, sometimes I cry about it. But since I'm not very good at crying, my tears wont fall out very good. Not like that time anyway. That time, my tears wont stop falling. I cried day and night. Now, I can only look as if I was CLOSE to crying, when I actually am, just that the tears don't fall.
After talking it through with my best friend, I felt much better, really. So I gave it a shot, I came back to her house. It was a hassle, I have to say, I had to take my good friend Jon Rii to come with me, climb over her gate and knock on her door. All that just to forgive her, without her having to say sorry to me. Her dad opened the front door! To tell you the truth, I like her dad more than her mom. The dad was nice to me, he liked me, and I liked him. He called out Jess for me, but she wouldn't come out. She was busy talking to her beloved. Yeah, okay, fair enough, she's in love, immature love. BUT F**KING GROW UP, FOR GOD'S SAKE. Even in the beggining my heart was starting to ache again. Just thinking of it, already hurts me. I put up with it, I couldn't possibly have a mental breakdown at someone's house. I sat there, with Jon, and her dad, waiting for her to end her call. She finally did. And we sat down and talked about it. So okay, we became friends. I was happy. Yeah.. I really was...
Then another thing popped up! Wow, woop-tee-do, I misplaced my skirt. So whilst I was trying to find it my mom was shouting over me saying how I could possibly lose that skirt. Saying that I'm wasting her money. Which is utterly false, I tell you, it was MY money, I worked for it at KFC, and look, I have the refference. And another thing that's false is that I didn't misplace it, it was her. She placed it somewhere because at that time, I was showering. So she tells me how useless I am, how I never help around the house, how I always sit in front of the computer doing playing games (Which was only partly true, because I have taken up a transalating job, right, and it's voluntaree because I choose to do it even without pay), how I never feed my dog (Utterly false, right? I love my dog more than anyone in the house), how I don't do anything, how I don't study, how selfish I am, and it keeps going. Like any hot headed person would do, I shouted back at her, screaming at the top of my voice and calling her every name I could think of in the universe, slams every door in the house (mind you, there's a lot). Then she shouts back at me, (Remember, this was all because of her misplacing my skirt) saying that I am grounded for a year just because I yelled at her. I yelled at her? Pffsh, I yell at everyone, and I do it because I do it, bad luck. I got fed up, every little thing, every little mistake I make, she always hollers at me, but every little thing my brother makes, she would say to him "Ganbare" with a sweet voice. Give me a break, please.
So I ran to Sasha's house while no one's around. I packed my bag before that though, ran to her house and started crying again. I know I know, I'm such a cry baby blah blah blah blah, whatever. Then I stayed with Jon for the night, good thing one or two people cared about me, I was greateful. No one really did care anyway. If they did, then they're doing a very great job showing it, because I didn't feel it. The whole time at school I was bothered with it, I tried to be the optimistic crazy person I am at school, but I can't. No one seemed to find out apart from the ones who knew, so I did a very good job of doing that, I guess. People came up to me and said "Wow, I never thought such things would happend to YOU". Pffsh, really, if you think I have a very great relationship with my family, then you're wrong. The person I love most in the family is a friggin dog! I love him more than anyone in the family. Because the humans, they either don't care, forget or don't give a shiet about me. Pretty much the same thing? Yeah. I don't feel this "family bond" that other people have in their house. As if I don't even HAVE a family.
I met person, his name's Daniel, Dan for short. He plays go, therefore I call him Dango. I grew to like him very quickly. As soon as we knew each other, we liked each other. Really, the funny thing is that when we were introduced with each other, the first thing we did was argue. But we soon got over it and we found so many similarities between us. He was much older, six years to be exact, but we get along so well. Soon we kind of decided to be siblings. I did, consider him more than a friend. More like a brother. He resembled more of a brother than my brother does. He turned twenty last friday. I was so happy. Anyway, the third problem that popped up was when the same person I had forgiven (Oh! By the way, I returned home, got sick and sorted things out with my parents) this year, just betrayes me again. Wow, aint that lovely. I didn't cry this time. I was just cold and wet because of the rain and wind that day. I was with someone, thank god. If I wasn't I swear I could have slapped her and sweared at her in front of the tons of people in timezone.
Sometimes I don't get them, you know, humans. They're so weird that one keeps ditching their friends for a new one. Then once they find out that they're bad, they go back to their old friends. Really, I don't know who to trust anymore. You know I can just go outside, right now, and kick someone in the shins or even the private part if neccessary, and they'll be my enemy straight away. But for someone to become a true friend, why can't I find any of them? I can't say I'm a true friend, I've done so much sin that I know I'll go to hell when I die.
Okay, so lately, the problems are friends-family-friends. Now there's another family problem. Well, what do yo know? I can sing. Yes, very surprising. I love singing, I love music. My family used to like my singing and my music. Suddenly, like magic they say I should quit singing. Wow. And it was this year that I was appointed to be in my brother's band to hold off concerts and stuff. Then in three months, he came up to me and said "Sorry, you're out". Yeah, okay, I got sacked. Great. By my own brother too. Then everytime I sing in my room (Take note it's MY room), my brother or my mom, she goes inside MY room and said "Stop your singing! You know you can't sing, you have no potential." It's either that or: "--ZOMGOSHROFLMAOHAHAHAHA! WTF, you sing like shiet." I'm serious. Who the hell wouldn't get pissed at such statements when they used to say you sing great. Yeah, okay, fine, I don't sing like any singer does, I suck, face it, I want to get better, hence I sing in my room? Pretty self explanatory.
Then my brother needed a vocalist, he appoints me again. Can anyone say, "f**cking make up your mind!"? Because I said that out loud and my mom shouted at me. Yeah yeah yeah, I'm a girl, I shouldn't swear, I should clean up the house, I shouldn't be violent, I shouldn't be selfish, but you know that's just so stereotypical! Girls are like that in stories, this is reality, no one is perfect, those type of people ends up taking drugs and dying young for god's sake. Then again, my dad comes up to me early in the morning and said "You know, the Korean Sarah blah blah blah blah" "The Korean one blah blah blah blah" "You know, she cleans up the house, helps around, study, unlike you, you should be more like her you know". So what's his point..? He goes again: "Oh, it'd be good if you were a full Jap or a Korean hey, then you'd be like her". What? He's saying that? When it's HIS fault that he's chinese and he made me a half? So what?! Isn't the half one good enough? Aren't I good enough? His point is? He wants me to be a diffrent person, huh? Oh great, yeah? Just great. Firstly it's how useless I am, and I need to change and they start listing the stuff stereotypical girls do. Fine fine fine! Aint I glad I'm moving out with Dango in three years, seriously can't wait, now can I?
Just now, we had this parent teacher future career talk. And I chose design. Design. Design. Yes! Design! I'm interested in design! I love design! But NOOOOOOO! My mom just had to say stuff like this: "Don't choose design!" Oh you know what, I'll tell you exactly what she said. I know when I'm nice I don't remember things properly, but when I'm angry, like now, I can remember things so clearly that it's almost as if it's photographic memory. She said: "Don't choose it! You know your potential exceeds what it needs to be a designer, you can do that as a hobby, but you HAVE to do medicine and IT because they are the high class jobs. You get a lot of profit out of them! You abselutely have to do it. Because you are smart, you can do those stuff. You can do design as a hobby. You know then you do design, you'll regret it because you have to work with gay boys." Sigh? I love design, I don't mind gay boys. I am NOT INTERESTED in medicine or IT, I'm interested in design. WHY can't she understand that? It's MY future, it's MY career, it's MY life, why does she have to interfere with it? It's MINE. Then she said I was selfish, well, ain't I glad that at least ONE thing runs down in the family. All her reasons are just: "Because you're a girl" or "Because you're smart". Seriously if being smart is THIS stressing then I'd rather be dumb. I'd rather be so stupid I shouldn't have to be stressing to do whatever I want to do.
Why? Why does my brother get all the good stuff, and I get the left overs? Why is MY future being decided by OTHER people, when my brother doesn't have to face the same thing? It's my life isn't it? It's mine.. right? And when I want to turn for help, I can't go to my family, and the only friends are Dango or MJ and a few other people who actually listens, but you know, people these days, they're so selfish they only think about themselves. I'm one of them, I should say. So! That's the conclusion why I've become a caffine addict. Really, it's just to ease out my stress. It's either that or turning my music out loud (the loudest one in my list, by the way).
Edit: OH yeah! I forgot. You know, when Dango turned twenty this year, everyone remembered it, really nearly everyone did, because so many people wished him happy birthday and such. I then got the sudden thought, you know, wether people would remember mine or not. I mean, fine it's not a big deal, but for me it is, because it shows how much people cared for me. I tell you, it's not a lot of people that remembers. To help them remember, I had to throw a party. And all they do is just wait for the party. Well, if I didn't, they wouldn't know. So it's better this way? Or what? I know I'm asking for a lot right now, I just want to be set free, for once. Yeah, I know, life is like this, but I don't want to die either. I have a limited life (right now, there's only one person in this board that knows) and I don't want to end it.
Edit number two: Yeahhh.. A lot of things happened afterwards. My good friend Jon Chan (Take note the other one was Jon Rii) asked me: "If you were given a chance to forgive her again, would you do it?" I said "YES!" BUT NOOOO. I changed my mind. I'm not forgiving her. Just then I was talking to her "friend" whom joined to ditch me in northbridge. (Ah yeah, it was raining and windy and I just got better from my cold + fever, after two weeks.) And I found out that she's told them everything about me. When I cried and stuff, well, it's not that it bothers me, well, it does, but GAHHHHHH YOU KNOW!! It does bother me, I thought she could keep secrets (Actually, no, after she betrayed me, I know she couldn't keep secrets). Anyway, so! I've made the conclusion, I'm have a huge headache (That's why I stayed home) and a dai-sutoressu right, I don't want to forgive her, and that's final. No more pains!
I was too soft back then. Yeah, believe it or not. I know I know, I kick and challenge boys to a fight, seriously, when I had to and stuff, but you know, the one thing that isn't strong about me is my heart. So that time I got betrayed, I couldn't do anything but sit down at the school's dirty benches and cry. I just couldn't stand it, you know... A best friend-- no someone you consider a part of your family, the closest one in your family, betraying you just like that. The only question was 'why?' Luckily enough, I'm anti-socialized, so I figured that one easy. But you see, the problem is that the person who betrayes me is one who runs away from her problems. So she didn't even say sorry to me until she saw me crying in front of thousands of people in the school. I didn't do anything, more like I couldn't do anything. I just sat there and cried my eyes out. What could I do? I'm hopeless, I can't do anything at that time. Moreover, I can't do anything now that all those have happened and I couldn't stop it. It was partly my fault, so I didn't really rant about it much, all I did was cry.
Early this year, I talked about it to my all time best friend. I knew she wasn't going to betray me. Actually, I don't. Ever since the time I got betrayed, I've always been so doubtful of people. I couldn't trust them. I didn't want to hurt myself over and over again, even if I have already did. If I think back now, there's countless of times where she had done that to me. But I'm naive and simple, you see. I thought everyone was so nice and all, I've never thought of being betrayed by my own best friend. Even now, sometimes I cry about it. But since I'm not very good at crying, my tears wont fall out very good. Not like that time anyway. That time, my tears wont stop falling. I cried day and night. Now, I can only look as if I was CLOSE to crying, when I actually am, just that the tears don't fall.
After talking it through with my best friend, I felt much better, really. So I gave it a shot, I came back to her house. It was a hassle, I have to say, I had to take my good friend Jon Rii to come with me, climb over her gate and knock on her door. All that just to forgive her, without her having to say sorry to me. Her dad opened the front door! To tell you the truth, I like her dad more than her mom. The dad was nice to me, he liked me, and I liked him. He called out Jess for me, but she wouldn't come out. She was busy talking to her beloved. Yeah, okay, fair enough, she's in love, immature love. BUT F**KING GROW UP, FOR GOD'S SAKE. Even in the beggining my heart was starting to ache again. Just thinking of it, already hurts me. I put up with it, I couldn't possibly have a mental breakdown at someone's house. I sat there, with Jon, and her dad, waiting for her to end her call. She finally did. And we sat down and talked about it. So okay, we became friends. I was happy. Yeah.. I really was...
Then another thing popped up! Wow, woop-tee-do, I misplaced my skirt. So whilst I was trying to find it my mom was shouting over me saying how I could possibly lose that skirt. Saying that I'm wasting her money. Which is utterly false, I tell you, it was MY money, I worked for it at KFC, and look, I have the refference. And another thing that's false is that I didn't misplace it, it was her. She placed it somewhere because at that time, I was showering. So she tells me how useless I am, how I never help around the house, how I always sit in front of the computer doing playing games (Which was only partly true, because I have taken up a transalating job, right, and it's voluntaree because I choose to do it even without pay), how I never feed my dog (Utterly false, right? I love my dog more than anyone in the house), how I don't do anything, how I don't study, how selfish I am, and it keeps going. Like any hot headed person would do, I shouted back at her, screaming at the top of my voice and calling her every name I could think of in the universe, slams every door in the house (mind you, there's a lot). Then she shouts back at me, (Remember, this was all because of her misplacing my skirt) saying that I am grounded for a year just because I yelled at her. I yelled at her? Pffsh, I yell at everyone, and I do it because I do it, bad luck. I got fed up, every little thing, every little mistake I make, she always hollers at me, but every little thing my brother makes, she would say to him "Ganbare" with a sweet voice. Give me a break, please.
So I ran to Sasha's house while no one's around. I packed my bag before that though, ran to her house and started crying again. I know I know, I'm such a cry baby blah blah blah blah, whatever. Then I stayed with Jon for the night, good thing one or two people cared about me, I was greateful. No one really did care anyway. If they did, then they're doing a very great job showing it, because I didn't feel it. The whole time at school I was bothered with it, I tried to be the optimistic crazy person I am at school, but I can't. No one seemed to find out apart from the ones who knew, so I did a very good job of doing that, I guess. People came up to me and said "Wow, I never thought such things would happend to YOU". Pffsh, really, if you think I have a very great relationship with my family, then you're wrong. The person I love most in the family is a friggin dog! I love him more than anyone in the family. Because the humans, they either don't care, forget or don't give a shiet about me. Pretty much the same thing? Yeah. I don't feel this "family bond" that other people have in their house. As if I don't even HAVE a family.
I met person, his name's Daniel, Dan for short. He plays go, therefore I call him Dango. I grew to like him very quickly. As soon as we knew each other, we liked each other. Really, the funny thing is that when we were introduced with each other, the first thing we did was argue. But we soon got over it and we found so many similarities between us. He was much older, six years to be exact, but we get along so well. Soon we kind of decided to be siblings. I did, consider him more than a friend. More like a brother. He resembled more of a brother than my brother does. He turned twenty last friday. I was so happy. Anyway, the third problem that popped up was when the same person I had forgiven (Oh! By the way, I returned home, got sick and sorted things out with my parents) this year, just betrayes me again. Wow, aint that lovely. I didn't cry this time. I was just cold and wet because of the rain and wind that day. I was with someone, thank god. If I wasn't I swear I could have slapped her and sweared at her in front of the tons of people in timezone.
Sometimes I don't get them, you know, humans. They're so weird that one keeps ditching their friends for a new one. Then once they find out that they're bad, they go back to their old friends. Really, I don't know who to trust anymore. You know I can just go outside, right now, and kick someone in the shins or even the private part if neccessary, and they'll be my enemy straight away. But for someone to become a true friend, why can't I find any of them? I can't say I'm a true friend, I've done so much sin that I know I'll go to hell when I die.
Okay, so lately, the problems are friends-family-friends. Now there's another family problem. Well, what do yo know? I can sing. Yes, very surprising. I love singing, I love music. My family used to like my singing and my music. Suddenly, like magic they say I should quit singing. Wow. And it was this year that I was appointed to be in my brother's band to hold off concerts and stuff. Then in three months, he came up to me and said "Sorry, you're out". Yeah, okay, I got sacked. Great. By my own brother too. Then everytime I sing in my room (Take note it's MY room), my brother or my mom, she goes inside MY room and said "Stop your singing! You know you can't sing, you have no potential." It's either that or: "--ZOMGOSHROFLMAOHAHAHAHA! WTF, you sing like shiet." I'm serious. Who the hell wouldn't get pissed at such statements when they used to say you sing great. Yeah, okay, fine, I don't sing like any singer does, I suck, face it, I want to get better, hence I sing in my room? Pretty self explanatory.
Then my brother needed a vocalist, he appoints me again. Can anyone say, "f**cking make up your mind!"? Because I said that out loud and my mom shouted at me. Yeah yeah yeah, I'm a girl, I shouldn't swear, I should clean up the house, I shouldn't be violent, I shouldn't be selfish, but you know that's just so stereotypical! Girls are like that in stories, this is reality, no one is perfect, those type of people ends up taking drugs and dying young for god's sake. Then again, my dad comes up to me early in the morning and said "You know, the Korean Sarah blah blah blah blah" "The Korean one blah blah blah blah" "You know, she cleans up the house, helps around, study, unlike you, you should be more like her you know". So what's his point..? He goes again: "Oh, it'd be good if you were a full Jap or a Korean hey, then you'd be like her". What? He's saying that? When it's HIS fault that he's chinese and he made me a half? So what?! Isn't the half one good enough? Aren't I good enough? His point is? He wants me to be a diffrent person, huh? Oh great, yeah? Just great. Firstly it's how useless I am, and I need to change and they start listing the stuff stereotypical girls do. Fine fine fine! Aint I glad I'm moving out with Dango in three years, seriously can't wait, now can I?
Just now, we had this parent teacher future career talk. And I chose design. Design. Design. Yes! Design! I'm interested in design! I love design! But NOOOOOOO! My mom just had to say stuff like this: "Don't choose design!" Oh you know what, I'll tell you exactly what she said. I know when I'm nice I don't remember things properly, but when I'm angry, like now, I can remember things so clearly that it's almost as if it's photographic memory. She said: "Don't choose it! You know your potential exceeds what it needs to be a designer, you can do that as a hobby, but you HAVE to do medicine and IT because they are the high class jobs. You get a lot of profit out of them! You abselutely have to do it. Because you are smart, you can do those stuff. You can do design as a hobby. You know then you do design, you'll regret it because you have to work with gay boys." Sigh? I love design, I don't mind gay boys. I am NOT INTERESTED in medicine or IT, I'm interested in design. WHY can't she understand that? It's MY future, it's MY career, it's MY life, why does she have to interfere with it? It's MINE. Then she said I was selfish, well, ain't I glad that at least ONE thing runs down in the family. All her reasons are just: "Because you're a girl" or "Because you're smart". Seriously if being smart is THIS stressing then I'd rather be dumb. I'd rather be so stupid I shouldn't have to be stressing to do whatever I want to do.
Why? Why does my brother get all the good stuff, and I get the left overs? Why is MY future being decided by OTHER people, when my brother doesn't have to face the same thing? It's my life isn't it? It's mine.. right? And when I want to turn for help, I can't go to my family, and the only friends are Dango or MJ and a few other people who actually listens, but you know, people these days, they're so selfish they only think about themselves. I'm one of them, I should say. So! That's the conclusion why I've become a caffine addict. Really, it's just to ease out my stress. It's either that or turning my music out loud (the loudest one in my list, by the way).
Edit: OH yeah! I forgot. You know, when Dango turned twenty this year, everyone remembered it, really nearly everyone did, because so many people wished him happy birthday and such. I then got the sudden thought, you know, wether people would remember mine or not. I mean, fine it's not a big deal, but for me it is, because it shows how much people cared for me. I tell you, it's not a lot of people that remembers. To help them remember, I had to throw a party. And all they do is just wait for the party. Well, if I didn't, they wouldn't know. So it's better this way? Or what? I know I'm asking for a lot right now, I just want to be set free, for once. Yeah, I know, life is like this, but I don't want to die either. I have a limited life (right now, there's only one person in this board that knows) and I don't want to end it.
Edit number two: Yeahhh.. A lot of things happened afterwards. My good friend Jon Chan (Take note the other one was Jon Rii) asked me: "If you were given a chance to forgive her again, would you do it?" I said "YES!" BUT NOOOO. I changed my mind. I'm not forgiving her. Just then I was talking to her "friend" whom joined to ditch me in northbridge. (Ah yeah, it was raining and windy and I just got better from my cold + fever, after two weeks.) And I found out that she's told them everything about me. When I cried and stuff, well, it's not that it bothers me, well, it does, but GAHHHHHH YOU KNOW!! It does bother me, I thought she could keep secrets (Actually, no, after she betrayed me, I know she couldn't keep secrets). Anyway, so! I've made the conclusion, I'm have a huge headache (That's why I stayed home) and a dai-sutoressu right, I don't want to forgive her, and that's final. No more pains!
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